God, I have a situation here.
I find myself in situations in which I need to call on God and I don’t. My Bipolar Disorder often makes decisions for me that, in my right mind, I would have never made. I would go to the mall in the throws of mania and have a thousand-dollar spending spree. I would be so depressed that I would cut all ties to the outside world, so I could commiserate alone and have a huge pity party. I have contemplated suicide many times. I have alienated my family and hurt them in ways I don’t even know. And all the while, I had a Savior who wanted to help me, I needed only to call on Him, but I didn’t.
When I am manic, I feel indestructible. There are no bad consequences to my actions, I am highly creative and a lot of fun, but my mood can lead to psychosis very quickly. I am in a situation, but I don’t call on God. I am not thinking clearly enough to know I have a problem that needs His attention. When I am depressed, nothing matters at all. I am dark in my mind and there is no room for light even though that light is what I crave and want desperately. But I don’t call on the giver of that light. My mind is unable to process the need, it only sees the pain. I, again, have a situation.
So often I find myself wandering toward the illness and away from Jesus. The illness calls to me and lures me in like a siren. I get far off the narrow path that leads to health and wholeness and forget that my God is with me. I can become so self-absorbed that all that exists is me and my bipolar. I begin to identify strongly as the victim and yet, in the back of my mind, I hear the still small voice of God saying, “come out of the darkness, I am waiting for you”. I begin to slowly crawl out of my own head and into the Word of God. There I find hope, love and the peace my mind craves.
It seems so distant and yet so close that a word from my own mouth can call forth the strength of God that I need to just get up in the morning. Often, calling out to God from the midst of my struggle is the bravest thing I can do. I start seeking Him through all the chaos that is my world right now. He is there, and He loves me. I trust and begin to believe that Jesus can make me better…level…less tumultuous. I remember that the Word says that “by His stripes we are healed”. I quickly look up this verse and I am hit with the realty that this is not some historical rendering of someone’s life, it is the very breath of life for me. Jesus did come. He did die. He was resurrected and through Him I have my healing. A breath of hope and a promise of joy.
I begin to allow this promise to wash over me. I remember that I am not my illness. That I am not a victim. I have my identity in Christ and He tells me who I am. My mind begins to lighten. My world begins to make sense again. My darkness begins to fade, and I can begin to see clearly. In my situation, I call to my God “help me Jesus, I need you”. That’s all. Not a long, eloquent prayer, but a heart cry from a fractured mind. I call, and He answers. My hope and my first love is coming to rescue me. I sit and I breath Him in and feel his heartbeat. I know I am going to be ok. Jesus has me. I give everything to him. My pain, my chaos, my fear, my life. He is the only one who can save me, and I trust that He will. I was in a situation, but my God has scooped me up and set me on His lap and wrapped his loving arms around me and I am safe.
I no longer have a situation…my God has taken care of everything and I can just be whole.