I love the story of Peter walking on the water. It fills me with such amazement that Peter loved and trusted Jesus so much that he got out of that boat and walked, in faith, on water. Yet, we see that Peter, the man of such faith, denied Jesus three times when Jesus needed him most. I think about this a lot. How could that have happened? How could Peter be so disloyal? I think to myself “I would have never done that”, but I have.
I have never denied Jesus and the saving power of his grace, but I have doubted His healing power. I have an illness that cannot be seen. It is mental and mood oriented so people who look at me do not see someone with a disability. When you think disability, you think physical and sometimes so do I. I have read stories of Jesus healing physical problems, but I have not read many stories of being healed of a mental disorder. Sure, demon possession, that is a whole different beast, but mental illnesses such as mine, not so much. This makes me think, sometimes, that mental illness is beyond God’s healing power. Show me a cancer and I believe that can be healed; a limb that needs regrown, absolutely, but these are physical. They are illnesses that can be seen so God may be more inclined to heal them. This is flawed thinking at best and blasphemy at worst. It is not that I don’t believe God can heal mental illness, I sometimes think that He just chooses not to. But, I am so wrong!!
By denying God’s healing power, I am no better than Peter. Believing some things and not others. Who am I to question God’s power? I have no right, and I know this. In fact, I have experienced God’s healing power many times. With a mental illness, it is hard to see God’s healing grace. But, I know it’s there. Everyday I get up and have a quiet mind, that’s healing. Every time I can go about my day without fear, that is healing. Everyday that I can smile and laugh and not be manic is a healing. Everyday that I can love my family and count my blessings is a healing. I may never be able to say that I have been healed of Bipolar totally, but I am being healed in pieces. I may not get total healing until I see Jesus face to face, but I have experienced God’s healing power in my life. I no longer doubt that He can heal me. I no longer think that where I am, he cannot reach. I see each day as a healing. The fact that I am alive, calm, able to put thoughts on a page, is attributed to God’s healing in my life and I am so grateful that He loves me enough to care about me. These healings are so simple but so monumental to me and they give me faith and hope and normalcy. Normal may seem mundane to some, but to me it is place I need to be and because I can believe in the healing power of God, I know that normal, instead of depression and mania will become my new normal. Halleluiah