As I was spending time in God’s word today, specifically in Hebrews, I was wondering what God was going to want me to write about today. I came across verse 2:13 which says
“MY TRUST AND CONFIDENT HOPE WILL BE PLACED IN HIM.”
I started pondering this verse and I had to ask myself if I truly place my total trust in Him and if I have confident hope. Confident hope…what does that look like? The definition of hope as given in Webster’s 1828 dictionary is “A desire of some good, accompanied with at least a slight expectation of obtaining it, or a belief that it is obtainable”. Did you catch that? It says a slight expectation. Does this definition work with what the Word says? Let’s look at the word confident. Again, Webster’s 1828 dictionary defines confidence as: “A trusting, or reliance; an assurance of mind or firm belief in the integrity, stability, or veracity of another…”. So, when we put these two definitions together, we arrive at a command that I think very little about.
I absolutely put my hope in Jesus. I also trust Him in all things. The word I have trouble with is “confident”. I sometimes doubt that God will show up and answer my prayers. I feel that I may be out of His reach in my sin and self-absorption when I am having an episode with my illness. I have no problem with this command when I am feeling well and in charge of my thoughts. It is easy to be confident in God when things are going well. It’s only when I am ill that the doubting begins. My thoughts when I am manic are, well, manic. They do not make sense and my behaviors based on these thoughts are erratic and out uncontrollable. When I am depressed, my thoughts turn inward and during these times, my confidence in God wanes. It is hard to confidently trust when my mind is betraying me. Yet I know that, without this confident trust in Jesus, I will never get better. I have been stable for about a month now and I can see where God showed up in my life during this last manic episode. Looking back, it is obvious that He took care of me and kept me from getting into a place where I could do a lot of damage to myself and my family. But at the time, I thought God had abandoned me to my illness once again. This was only in my thinking. Somewhere in my mind I knew God was with me and I needed to turn to Him for help. I turned to the Psalms and read them aloud until my mind began to calm. I placed my trust and confident hope in Him. I knew He would get me through this episode as He has always done and as He will always do. The disconnect is not with God, it is with me. I need to tattoo this verse on my arm so when I am in the throws of an episode I can remember to be confident in Him who is faithful and always trust that He is there and always have hope that He will deliver me from yet another episode.
Trust and confident hope are learned behaviors. They are built over time and through experiences. If we never go through the valleys, we will never have a mountain top experience. To grow and to mature means that we put our trust in God and we hope, with confidence not slight expectation, but with true confidence that God is going to do what He has promised and that is to make us whole. True confidence in God will always lead to hope.