Encouragement, Mental Health

Alone? Never.

Have you ever felt alone?  I mean totally alone.  Even when you are around people, the aloneness is right there with you.  I used to live in this aloneness.  Even though I had the kids and my husband around, the dogs and all sorts of family coming and going, I still felt alone. This happened when I would suffer from depression. Deep depression. I’m not talking the blues or melancholy, I’m talking “take your own life” kind of depression.

This kind of depression is known as “Clinical Depression or Major Depressive Disorder”. Mine was the deep depression of my cyclical mood disorder known as Bipolar Disorder (although I think the old descriptor of “Manic Depressive Disorder is a better fit).

This particular episode was scary for me.  I wasn’t following God at the time and the darkness I was living in was very real.  Nothing seemed to help.  On top of my depression I had the anxiety that is usually present with this disorder. Then one day, my 4-year-old daughter, Lyndsey, announced that we needed to go to Church.  It wasn’t a suggestion from her, it was a command.  She had been going to Vacation Bible School with her cousins and somehow she knew I needed God.  She was right.  We went to Church that Sunday any me and my husband both gave our lives back to God.  It was wonderful. I became filled with a peace of mind I hadn’t felt in, well ever.  My husband and I began to find out all we could about following God and I had a burning desire to find out how my illness fit in with my new-found faith. I am still on that journey.  God did not change my circumstances all at once.  After I prayed, I was still Bipolar and my life was still a big mess but now I had hope.  I have spent the last 15 years following God’s will for my life.  I won’t go into all of that here, that will be saved for the book I am writing, but suffice it to say that God is a God of love and restoration. I am happier now than I have ever been, even though I live with Bipolar everyday of my life. I wouldn’t change a thing. God gave me a new perspective and a fighting spirit to face the dark, lonely days that I still experience,  But, something is different.  I am NEVER alone. God is always with me.  He never leaves me, or judges me. He loves me and lifts me up when I am to weak to stand on my own, or to afraid to go outside, or to anxious to speak to anyone.  God is with me.  And He is with you too. No matter how dark you get, or how hopeless you feel, God is waiting to love on you.  To make you whole.  Your circumstances may not change right away.  There are things we have to learn and accept before we can move forward. But moving forward with God and living for him a little fractured is better than living whole without Him.

“For a day in thy courts is better than a thousand {anywhere else}; I would rather stand {as a doorkeeper} at the threshold of the house of my God Than to live {at ease} in the tents of the wicked”. Psalm 84:10.

If you ever doubt that God loves you, spend some time in His word.  It is full of promises and love and restoration that we need to revel in everyday. I spend many  hours in prayer and study of God’s word daily and, let me tell you, I cannot face my days any other way.  God is good. Remember that. It will get you through your darkness.


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